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Author Topic: Cinnamon Scrolls..Hi.  (Read 7631 times)
Fennel
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« on: July 01, 2008, 12:59:41 AM »

Dont mind the subject, I usually just put down a food I enjoy.
Im new here, an ex-sperm donor from Adelaide. Im joining because I have questions to DC people and their families about how to best manage a possible future relationship with them.
SBS's recent doco made me realise it can be easily turned into either a negative or positive experience ( and I want to get it 'right'  Smiley ).

Thanks Quinny for making such an important site.
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dadams
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« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2008, 10:29:39 PM »

G'Day Fennel
thanks for joining and posting on this site. It is EXTREMELY important that ex-donors such as yourself get involved on here.
I am a DC person here in Adelaide and know a considerable amount of the scene and policies involved here so if you have any specific questions fire away and if I do not have the answer straight away one of my contacts within the various departments will be able to provide one for you.
I'm assuming from your post that you are open to receiving contact from your offspring and their families, if this is the case then I applaud your position and if there were more donors such as yourself then many of us offspring would be in a much better place.
I'm not sure from your post if you are aware of your offspring, who they are, how many there are, how old they are etc etc, and whether or not they know about you and or have initiated contact. These things can also have an impact on the course you take.
I don't want to pry if this extremely personal to you but the course that I would advise is highly dependent on the many factors mentioned above (plus perhaps a few others). For example as an offspring my views changed dramatically over the years, particularly since having children of my own, so what I would have liked to have known during that period has changed also. So knowing the childrens age will have a great impact on the course of action.
If you don't want to put certain info on this forum please feel free to send me a private message.
All the best and I look forward to hopefully having more discussions on this subject.
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Fennel
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« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2008, 11:47:11 PM »

Thanks for the warm greeting and info. Im looking at this as a slow process, and will be posting information & questions (probably in more appropriate categories ) as need arises.
At this point, I can say any DC children from my sperm would be under 13 years old.
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Quinny
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« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2008, 11:49:38 PM »

Hi Fennel,

Thanks for joining. Please feel free to ask any questions you like.

As dadams said, there are many different factors involved so I don't think there is a blanket answer about how to best manage a relationship with DC people and their families.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers,
Quinny
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Quinny
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« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2008, 11:52:20 PM »

Hi Fennel,

Have you had any contact with the DC children or their parents before?
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Donor conceived adult from Perth, Western Australia. Searching for a donor who donated to Dr Colin Douglas-Smith in 1976.
dadams
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« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2008, 12:33:46 AM »

At this point not knowing whether they know about you or have initiated contact then it could be VERY slow going. Especially if their parents have not even informed them of their DC status (bear in mind that only 30% intend to tell - less ever do).
If they do not know about you or have not initiated contact then the onl thing you are able to do is register with the clinic (not sure which one you were at - but that is important at the moment) and let them know that you are open to contact and also leave with them any other information that you may like (interests, background, updated medical history etc).
The important thing about which clinic pertains particularly to repromed which has undergone new ownership. As a result all previous records and information currently resides with and is looked after by Adelaide University and accessing records has become a little more difficult. If it was the Flinders clinic then that would be easier.
If they have initiated contact then it will start to become a little harder and maybe a little murkier it all depends on how the parents feel about it. Some will be threatened by your prescence while others will be more receptive. The way the children view it too will vary greatly depending on how they have been raised in regard to the issue. Many will develop their own thoughts and feelings on the subject as their life progresses while others may be happy with their lot or what they have been taught. This becomes extremely complex and from your position you wont have much idea on how the child has been raised in regard to their dc status and the expectations of the parents.
In an ideal world I would like to believe that the wishes of the child should be paramount and carry more weight than anyone elses, but it is not an ideal world.
And yes cinnamon scrolls are yummy.
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AllyRose
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« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2008, 03:54:03 AM »

Hi Fennel,

Welcome.

I'm mum to a 3 1/2 year old little boy conceived via donor sperm and I don't think I can be as much help to you as the boys can be (Quinny and Dadams).  But I do applaud you for taking the first step.

Tricia

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Fennel
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« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2008, 11:04:34 PM »

Thanks dadams for all the info. Just to be clear, Im not outwardly wanting to initiate contact. I realise there will come a day (possibly soon, possibly years from now) when I will need to engage with both the child and the family in some way, and I want to make this as positive experience as possible for all.
Im surprised at the 30% figure, and wonder if thats more of an historical statistic, rather than a current one ( I guess theres a survey somewhere).
Its almost incomprehensible to me that parents would choose or expect not to tell.
I havent had any contact with any family or child before, but realise that the situation for each family & child will likely be different, and like you said, some might be threatened by my presence. I also have a family of my own now, and Im wondering how best to handle my children possibly meeting half-siblings. (I assume a DC child may be interested in this).
Im not looking for answers, but maybe perpectives / experiences on these ideas.
Should this type of discussion move to a more appropriate category, or would people prefer private? (Id prefer open like this, maybe 'off-topic' or donor-info ?).
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Quinny
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« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2008, 11:43:03 PM »

Happy for this topic to move to the SA or Donor Offspring categories.

Might create a new one called Donor Issues, or maybe rename the Donor Info one - what do you think?

Fennel, about the only advice I can give in regards to your own family is to let them know as early in their life as possible.
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dadams
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« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2008, 01:05:24 AM »

Hi Fennel,

this is just my perspective and 2 cents (nothing more nothing less). I believe that your family should know about the situation as I feel that your own children have just as much right to know about any half siblings just as much as the donor conecived children have a right to know about you and their half siblings in your family.
For myself personally I am just as much interested in half siblings as much as my genetic father - to me they are all my "family", my "flesh and blood".
I'm so glad that you are willing to be contacted and wishing the experience to be a positive one for all involved and that you are preparing yourself for it in advance.
The 30% is a current figure that was part of a Monash study completed only a couple of years ago. From my era that number would be in the very low single figures. So the situation has improved but is still well short of the 100% it should be.
From those current figures there is a strong prossibility that you will never be contacted. However those figures are purely based on parents intentions - we don't have any concrete info on the percent that find out later in life (which has been shown to be quite detrimental compared to those that are told early on).

Quinny, perhaps a new category such as donor issues would be a good idea (or just rename the donor info one as you suggest). This probably belongs there more so than in the general intro.
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Hursty
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« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2008, 10:51:02 PM »

Hi Fennel
I am a recipient Mum (had donor eggs) - we found our donor in the media - had to as no-one would give us any information and felt it was important for our son to know himself.
Yes I agree with everyone else here. It is just awesome to have an ex donor come forward for "someone" out there who may be looking to complete their identity. Your insight just has to be commended............thankyou.
Sue  Smiley
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