Australian Donor Conception Forum

General Category => Donor Offspring => Topic started by: AllyRose on June 12, 2007, 12:15:09 PM



Title: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: AllyRose on June 12, 2007, 12:15:09 PM
I know I have probably put this in the wrong place but I could not really find a suitable heading to type this under.  (WARNING - this is a venting post)

As from my previous posts, I have a 2 year old little boy conceived with donor sperm through QFG in Brisbane.  When I attended the Identity Conf back in November Leonie told me I had a right to know how many half siblings might have been created from the same donor.

Well today I plucked up the courage to ask......and the answer was "Jacob is the first of 6".  I knew the donor had his own family (2 daughters) as per the information I am allowed to know of him, and I knew when we chose him that a pregnancy had been achieved but the lady had miscarried, so at the time Jacob was the first baby to be born via this donor.  So since Jacob's birth 5 other families have been created.

But in the next breath the 'scientist' told me "but I can't tell you who they are" - OH DER like I didn't already know that - then the b*&CH had the hide to say to me "well you have 10 vials and then that's it, maybe do a couple of inseminations then concentrate on IVF".  I then asked "so I am correct in knowing that the limit is 10 families" - her response was "oh yes we like to try and get them to at least 10" - WTF?  I thought the limit was 10 then that was it!

Now my husband and I had come to terms with our situation a long time ago and have been enjoying our life, we had happily agreed that once those 10 vials were used and a pregnancy not achieved, then we would not go into the business of mixing donors.  We are and will always be grateful for Jacob.  But why do I now, because of a few simple words from a 'scientist' feel like a complete failure.

These are the ramblings of an emotional woman - so just ignore me, I had to get it out!

I appreciate you listening.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: AllyRose on June 12, 2007, 09:34:29 PM
Hi,
I've calmed down a bit since writing the above post last night - and have received a very nice email from Leonie.

Sorry for being so blunt and direct, but I just had to vent.

Thanks again.
Tricia


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: dadams on June 12, 2007, 10:46:50 PM
Hi Tricia

I don't think you have to apologise at all. The whole DC situation is very emotional to us all. It particularly becomes even more frustarting/annoying when we are either lied to, misled or deceived.
My understanding is that it is a maximum of 10 families and perhaps she meant that they try and get each one to their 10 quota. But whether or not it was just a poor choice of words it is very distressing, as I can attest to as I have been constantly told various contradicting stories by the clinics here in SA. And then they choose which of my questions they would like to answer. It has gotten to the point where I cannot beleive anything they tell me or I take it with a pinch of salt.
Even with a maximum of 10 families that can still equate to a lot of siblings for Jacob (particularly if each family chooses to have more than one child).
It is important to vent and this is just the forum to do so as there are other people who can relate to what you are going through.

All the best,
Damian.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Quinny on June 13, 2007, 05:01:26 AM
Nothing wrong with venting here. Although I haven't been given contradictory response from the clinc I have spoken to and had others speak to, I still don't trust them based on what people like Damian and Leonie have said.

To me, the fertility clinics are like an adult having an affair- they are getting up to naughty things behind closed doors and will not reveal what they have done/are doing.

TriciaB, it may not be as many as 5 other families using this donor. I'm glad your feeling better. Venting can be a great release and I'm glad you could use the forum to do that. :)


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on June 27, 2007, 11:22:25 AM
Understand it all. I thought because I had advertised for an egg donor that she was "mine". Well apparently not I found out after 2 yrs. She produced 18 eggs - miracuously or intentionally??? I wonder. Anyway 10 eggs were given to me and 8 to the other people on the waiting list. They now have 2 daughters and for obvious reasons wont pass on an annonymous letter to them from me. Exploitation I call it.
Its a money making business for fertility clinics and that is all.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: AllyRose on July 01, 2007, 07:03:57 AM
I hear ya Hursty.

Though I have calmed down a little since finding out about the other 5 siblings (he already had two of his own daughters at the time of donating).

I feel I will get no where with QFG - but I plan on seeing their counseller before we start trying for another baby - just to see how willing they are to answer my questions.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: karlas_mum on July 04, 2007, 12:06:37 AM
I no how you feel in  a way we went back to our clinck early this year to see if we can use same donor and we could on one condition  that we had to use ivf  as there was little sprem left and they could not give it the way they did the first place  as the rest have to  go between other family and we can not afford it. So we had to pick a new donor i am a little sad for karla as she will not have a full brother or sisterI cant believe the second time around it would still be roller coaster ride with emotions  i no karla has 7 half sibblings and really hopeing one day that when it is time for her to no her back round that the donor will give out as much infomation he can to help her out so she can fit her missing parts of her life.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Quinny on July 04, 2007, 03:39:50 AM
hi Karla's Mum,

Sorry that you have to use another donor. This situation happened in my family too so my sister is really only my half-sister.

Is this new donor anonymous like your last one?


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: AllyRose on July 04, 2007, 04:00:10 AM
I'm sorry to hear that too Jo.

I don't have that situation as we have 10 vials of the same donor reserved since I found out I was pregnant.  We pay $150 every six months to keep them frozen - so in effect I can either do IVF or inseminations as I pay for them to be frozen so its my choice how to use them.  I would like to see QFG try and 'make' me do IVF!

We won't be doing IVF this time either - who can afford it these days its now something like $1500 a gap fee each time.  Besides, Jacob was conceived via insemination, so there's no reason why No.2 can be either.

Good Luck.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on July 04, 2007, 05:02:22 AM
Hey there everyone. This is really new to me. Is this what happens with donor sperm?
You just go in there at ovulation time and it gets put in? Is this insemination?
And if you had to have IVF then they would cultivate a number of eggs from your ovaries and then fertilise the eggs with sperm and then you would have a number of embryo's? Is this the difference?
This is just my guess work but is this how this side of it works?
You know I had never really thought about this way before - all my treatment was to do with eggs.
Well Jo to have the same donor - wouldnt he donate again just for you to have a full blood sibling for Karla? Why wasnt some vials (like Tricia) put away for your future use? It is all very complicated and nothing ever seems to have very specific guidlines that are followed. I am constantly amazed at all the stuff that keeps comming up about the practices of different fertility clinics. Nothing seems to be uniform at all across Australia.
Jo are you going to ask if the next donor -if you get one - will be available for contact? Or will this be anonymous?
Regards Sue


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: AllyRose on July 04, 2007, 06:52:15 AM
You are right Hursty - we are monitored with blood tests from about day 10 of the cycle and have the stimulation injections and when the bloods say ovulation is here - we go in and see the Doc for a "turkey basting" - they usually do it over two days.  In my case the Doc said he would try and see if he could just use one vial at a time as to maximise our chances.  Will only cost us a gap fee of $60 each time.

Jo is in Victoria and I'm in Brisbane so that would account for the lack of uniformity - I think the same as you - why can't they all just do the same thing.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on July 04, 2007, 06:56:38 AM
Well....... thats alot easier than IVF be sure!
And your other question......... I have no idea how to put a photo on here!
I am on another site but someone else put the photo on for me after I emailed it to them.  ::)


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Quinny on July 04, 2007, 12:54:13 PM
And your other question......... I have no idea how to put a photo on here!
I am on another site but someone else put the photo on for me after I emailed it to them.  ::)

hi Hursty,

To add a photo, when you reply to a message there is link at the bottom of the area you type called "Additional Options...". Click on that it will display a box called "Attach:" and a Browse button. You can use the Browse button to select the image from your computer that you want to attach to a message.

Or perhaps, do you mean to add a photo to go under your name?
To do that you go to "Profile" at the top of the page, then select "Forum Profile Information" on the left side menu. You will see an option there called "I will upload my own picture:" and there will be a Browse button. Click on this button and select the image you want. Once you have selected the image it should appear on screen. Click the "Change Profile" button at the bottom of the page.

Cheers,
Quinny



Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on July 04, 2007, 10:09:21 PM
Hi Quinny - I dont get a browse near upload my own picture - I have a box which says http/ or something like that - after I have clicked on Forum Profile Information.  ???


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Quinny on July 05, 2007, 04:41:55 AM
hi Hursty,

Yeah there are a few options there and you get to pick one of them. These are the three which you should see:
1. Personalized Picture:
  (no pic) [Actors] [Musicians]

2. I have my own pic: [http://]

3. I will upload my own picture:


Then below that it says:
Personal Text:


Option 3 is one you need to select. It's below the http one you mentioned. Maybe your screen size is differently set to mine and you need to scroll down the page a bit?

Cheers,
Quinny



Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: RoseW.A. on July 05, 2007, 06:24:09 AM
I am so glad you asked this.
I can't seem to do it either.
I have the 3 choices. And the last in my list is a http.
So I thought ok...you can only add a pic if you have one stored on the web somewhere.
I don't get a browse button to choose either.
I do know how to do this cause I do it on other sites.
But the box and browse button doesn't come up on my screen. I have scrolled down.
Under the http box is a Personal Text label and box.

Ta, Rose


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on July 05, 2007, 09:58:00 AM
Yes Quinny - I have the same as Rose.
Are you as old as me Rose?  :)


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Quinny on July 05, 2007, 10:32:33 AM
Sorry for taking this all off topic for so long. Thanks for the updates, there was a permissions issue, this has been resolved so you should be able to upload your own picture now.

Sorry about that. :)

Cheers,
Quinny


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on July 05, 2007, 10:16:37 PM
Thanks Quinny


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: AllyRose on July 06, 2007, 12:24:06 PM
YAY at works - thanks Quinny.  ;D


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on July 06, 2007, 10:33:47 PM
Beautiful Pic Tricia!


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: karlas_mum on July 31, 2007, 11:11:56 PM
hi sorry it has taken me such a long time to get back to you guys i have been quiet busy with that question hursty no we are going for another anonymous donor but the donor said we could contact him any time even get a photo of him if we want to. But i wait and let the baby do that hey guys i start my first cycle soi let you no how i go cross fingers for me.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Quinny on August 01, 2007, 12:03:32 AM
hi Karlas_mum,

If you can contact the donor at any time why do you say that he is anonymous?


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: RoseW.A. on August 01, 2007, 06:33:01 AM
Hi Karlas_mum,
as someone who also used an anonymous identity release donor, personally, I would not wait for the baby to be old enough to do that on his/her own.
My donor was also happy for contact but once I started trying to contact him via the clinic it was a real trial.
They lost crucial contact paperwork and but for the grace of god we would not have found him.
I have found that so many things can happen in just one year, let alone longer.
Why not get his name and contact details now. Get a photo now and just put them away for the baby. Stay in contact maybe once a year, so that you are sure of having his contact info?
Rose


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Daven on August 01, 2007, 09:17:42 AM
.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Quinny on August 01, 2007, 12:40:57 PM
That's good advice from Rose and Fiona. I was going to suggest that you find out who the donor is now so you can at least find him down the track.


Title: Re: Why do I feel this way?
Post by: Hursty on August 03, 2007, 11:45:15 AM
Hey jo - I agree with the others here. Things change and people move on and so much can happen in the years between now and when your child is wanting contact. What if the donor passed away and you could never get biological info for your child?
You dont have to have contact everyday - I know you have to consider your husbands feelings - but really when it comes down to it, you are creating a child who should have rights to biological information - she/he should come before all else and if you dont act now it would be terrible if you couldnt find him when you really needed to. Also children ask questions at very young ages and understand so much more than given credit for - if they are given the opportunity to do so. Please dont think I am saying this is what you "should" do - you also have to keep your own family in tact to provide a good home also but neither your husband or yourself would be replaced believe me - just because you have a photo and contact maybe once or twice  a year. I think you are very lucky to get a donor who will be identified. Good luck.
Sue  :)